Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The pits of hell ...

No, I'm not in a 'bad place' or whathaveyou ... that is what I am calling the workout I did last night.

I'm serious -- I thought I had died and was slung into a fiery, horrible pit of hell for all of eternity.

I have been on a workout kick for a while, but was only going once or twice/week. After an intense Body Pump class this past Saturday, my legs were just killing me {in a good way though}, so I called my best friend, Shannon, who teaches these classes, and asked her if she wouldn't mind getting me into the class she was teaching Monday night. I hesitated when she told me it was a sports conditioning class, because I am everything BUT athletic. She told me it would be fine, just go at my own pace and it would help loosen up my muscles. OHHHH that Shannon, she can not be trusted.

SO I get there a little early after working all day and look around to see it set up like an obstacle course. HUH?? I go to the bathroom before class starts and this was my first indication about how this evening was going to play out. There are 2 bathroom stalls. I went to the bathroom in one (and if you're wondering, I just went pee, b/c I had been drinking water ALL day long in anticipation of this class). Well, when I flushed the toilet, I could hear the other toilet gurgling water ... I opened the door to that stall and notice the toilet is rising, rising, rising and then it starts to OVERFLOW -- with POO POO in the water!! ACK!!! GROSS!! It stopped but not before I dry-heaved and ran out the door to tell Shannon the toilet had overflowed. Course - everyone is going to think it was ME, because I was the last one in there.

We start class and it's good. We do jumping jacks and I am surprised at how good I'm feeling. WOW - I can do this!! We finish our warm up and start the obstacle course. I am picked to do 'running' first -- running ... what? I am not a runner ... really, I'm not. We had to run THROUGH the gym, around the treadmills, and then back into the group fitness room. So I start running at a decent pace. My BFF, Shannon, the drill Sergeant, I mean, INSTRUCTOR, is BEHIND me, yelling at me "GO GO GO" .... I had things I wanted to say to her, but I am a Christian, so I refrained (but yes, I repented because I did think them and that's just as bad). SO we finish the running -- the next 'station' for me was the 'ladder'. You had to jump out and then bring your feet in (like a jumping jack) but there was this ladder on the floor - so it's jump out and then jump IN but your feet have to be INSIDE the ladder. It was a disaster for me. As I'm jumping out and then bringing my feet back in, I *tinkled* a little and then I got to laughing .... and tinkling .. and laughing .... and tinkling. You get the picture. THANK GOODNESS I had on BLACK shorts - but girls, without kids, THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE BABIES! I'm just sayin'.

SO we make it through the ladder course and the next was lunges across step stool thingy -- which was easy for me (at this point, it was easy ...) -- next station was taking a cone, picking it up, running SIDEWAYS but moving your feet over one another -- very confusing -- but I liked that one the best -- only because it was the easiest to cheat.

After that station, yes, I was crawling ... literally, crawling ...we had to do lunges AGAIN but very quickly and in place. OK, so I do 5, then rest, do 5 then rest, rest rest, do 3, rest, rest, rest ... are you following me??

The last station was another set of step stool and we had to jump BOTH FEET up and land on the stool, but land in a squatting position. This one wasn't too bad until my body decided it had enough and I face planted into the mirror. I acted like I had just tripped, but then I knew I had to keep going. I jumped again and my feet did not land on the step stool, but rather on the edge and I fell backwards. I again, just kept going ... mainly because I was so delirious, I don't think I really cared.

Once everyone completed the stations, we moved to the middle to 'tone' ... I was so happy b/c it meant that we could stop and be still for a minute. OHHHHHH no. Satan, I mean, SHANNON, had us do these whacked out lunges where we are holding a weight, we lunge back, put the weight down, lunge the other leg back, put the weight down, lunge again, pick the weight up, and so on -- over and over again. I literally, at this point, was sweating so profusely that I was sure I had sweat all the botox (if I DID botox ... ) out of my forehead and needed to change my shorts! BUT NO ... NO ... once we were done 5 min of toning .. .guess what ... ANOTHER RUN THROUGH THE COURSE!!!

I literally looked at Shannon, with my mouth dropped and said there was NO WAY I could do it. She, being the SUPPORTIVE friend that she is, told me that indeed I could. I was really hoping I would trip and fall during the run b/c the pain I would endure breaking a bone was nothing compared to what I was feeling in my legs, chest, abdomen, plus I'd get to leave and wouldn't have to worry about driving b/c my legs were shaking so bad.

I decided to PRESS ON and continue the course, hitting each station and trying to finish. A couple times I had people asking me if I was ok. I'm not sure what would make them ask me that -- the fact I was laying in the floor, gasping for breath, or that fact that I kept checking to make sure I had a pulse. Not sure.

So we go back to the middle -- to tone -- again.

We have the flex tubes now. The trick here was to fold it in two, thread our hand through and pull out and pulse .... I could barely even get my hand through b/c I was shaking so badly. I totally cheated on that one - I used like a 3lb tension tube. I felt like I deserved that at that point. Seriously.

The end of the class was abs. We laid down (I felt there was an anointing on my mat - seriously - that was the highlight of my day) and did crunches. Those are no problem for me - I was just happy to be laying down. THEN .. we had to lift our legs straight up in the air, and lift our bum ... not so hard until we are doing it side to side ... WHATEVER. I'll keep my muffin top, thankyouverymuch.

Needless to say, I had a phone call this morning checking on me. Shannon and I are still friends - I decided not to hold my lack of endurance against her - considering she is a FREAK of nature. I really only like taking her classes but as long as I live, I will never take another sports conditioning class. EVER.


The Dishy Decorator said...

Girl, you are too funny. I'm dying here! I can't wait for ATL!

Kado! said...

WOah!!! That is some class! that would kick my butt!!! I just run for 45 minutes and watch TV...but it counts as getting myself to the gym...right!?? Now I feel like a wimp after reading your post! ;)

My Blonde Reality said...

That sounds like boot camp! Dear GOd! The way I've been eating and not exercising from being sick, I will be bringing not only my muffin top to Atlanta, but my loaf of bread belly as well! You are incredible and funny as hell!

Southern Champagne Wishes said...

That was so funny! I am impressed that you finished - I probably would have collapsed in the floor after a couple of minutes and feigned unconsciousness!

Shawn said...

Is the reason we only talked on the hone once today because your arms are too sore to hold the phone to your ear? Poor thing!

I guess having a blood clot and therefore no ability to exercise can be seen as a good thing!

Sweet Tea in Seattle said...

Too Hilarious! Thanks for a fun read. Sorry for what you had to go through to be able to write it! :)

Lauren Kelly said...

I sooooo LOL on this one, haha!!! :)

Mrs. M said...

Wow! I would have given up halfway through! Just think you finished!